The Passing of Days: Pregnancy Loss and Gain

This past Thursday was a full day: dealing with frozen pipes at home, attending and leading meetings and seminars, teaching, writing, a trip to the gym and the grocery store.  But it was not nearly as full as we expected it to be 6 months ago. 

January 23, 2014 was supposed to be full of first diapers and proud doctors and a waiting room full of family and a swaddled baby, just wiped fresh from the messiness of birth.   This Thursday was the due date for our first child, a daughter we said goodbye to in August.  A day we looked forward to with ultimate wonder, expectation and hope: now, just another Thursday.  Except with more tears.

I have watched this day coming on the calendar, wondering how it would feel to live through.  Would it sting with fresh grief?  Would it knock me over, or gently pass?  Neither, really.   Because as I grieved with fresh tears and desperate prayers, I also delighted at the kicks of a 20 week old baby in my belly.  A boy, this time.  Healthy and squirmy and due to arrive June 10. 

This pregnancy has been different.  More cautious and guarded.  Less giddy and whirling.  There were no creative Facebook announcements or weekly Baby Center check-ins.  But there has been more prayer.  And even, I think, more joy.   Not only because each kick is sweeter and each passing week one more than we got to experience last time, but because I’ve been invited to live in the mystery of this truth:  

“The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”  Job 1:21

With the same breath, Job says: He has given. He has taken away. Bless Him.   How does Job do that?  How am I supposed to do that?  Supposed to cry over the loss of my daughter, delight in the promise of my coming son and say, with the same breath,  “Your holiness is independent of my experience and your goodness is not tied to my circumstances. Glory be to You, Lord.”

But it is true.  Whether I experience it as true or not, God is good and perfect and worthy of my praise.  And the mystery of this is one of the captivating tensions of the faith.  And it reminds me that ultimately He, and He alone, satisfies me and gives my soul rest. (Psalm 62:5) 

Today we are talking about car seats and which one makes the most sense to buy.   And as we research and shop, we hope quietly for a healthy baby boy to ride home in that car seat on June 10.  But even more, we pray for a heart of faith that can say sincerely: God, you give and you take away and blessed be Your name.